What You Wish You Could Say…

22 08 2007

While cleaning behind a cabinet in our studio at work, our maintenance person found some rather old papers stuck behind the cabinet. They were labeled “Tech Support Tips” and the author is unknown. School has started, and it’s been rather hectic in our technology support department. These are all the things you wish you could say, but of course, you wouldn’t. So, enjoy the humor, as it is meant for anyone who has ever had to provide support.

  1. Don’t write anything down. We can play back the error messages from here.
  2. When a tech says he’s coming right over, go for coffee. It’s nothing to us to remember 2481 screen saver passwords.
  3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and popsicle art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
  4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get into your mail because your computer won’t power on at all.
  5. Don’t put your phone extension in your emails to the help desk. We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.
  6. When tech support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing the public groups.
  7. When a tech is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and spill your guts right out. He exists only to serve.
  8. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask her a computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don’t have email or a telephone line.
  9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as as a rush delivery.
  10. When you call a tech’s direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he’s out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. Your entitled to common courtesy.
  11. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support. There’s electronics in it.
  12. When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your line from here.
  13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of, call computer support. We’re collectors.
  14. When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech’s chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
  15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and discard the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators.
  16. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don’t have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
  17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory. It’s nothing but trouble anyway.
  18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then you reboot and it looks okay, don’t call tech support. We’d much rather troubleshoot it when it’s dead as a doornail.
  19. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don’t actually mean for you to do anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.
  20. When a tech tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: “And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?” That’ll get us going.
  21. If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set the display to true color, 1024 X 768. You’ll never again have to worry about people reading confidential files over your shoulder.
  22. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don’t bother. We’ll be there to hold your hand after it’s done.
  23. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
  24. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the branch. One of them is bound to work.
  25. Don’t learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by “my thingys outta whack.”



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